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Mother Mode: Defeating Loneliness

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Welcome to Mother Mode, a fortnightly feature where I take a step out of the virtual world and share with you all a glimpse into my maternal side. This week I reflect on how how to overcome loneliness and why it’s not just important for our own happiness, but for our children’s happiness as well.

I read a sad story yesterday of a 64 year old lady who got arrested for drunk dialing emergency services because she was lonely. It got me thinking about my own feelings of isolation, and how having a child can greatly affect how connected you feel to the “outside” world.  I won’t rehash what I have already written, but I will say that making friends in a new place is hard, especially if you’re an introverted gamer mum like I am. My husband will be starting shift work again in a few months, and that means my face time with adults is going to take a massive nose dive. Things may be okay now, but it’s not to say they will always be that way. I certainly don’t want to turn to the bottle and get myself arrested, that’s for sure!

Things I Have Failed At

So, what do parents do when they have a child and want to meet someone? Well, if you are prepared to stomach some real horror encounters with other parents, you could throw yourself into the world of Mother’s Group or Play Group and make an effort with the parents of your children’s friends. My few experiences with Play Group were a complete and utter fail. I’m painfully shy in real life, and therefore I suck at being social and generally just make myself look like a moron. Not to mention I spent the whole time paranoid my son was about to maul some poor, innocent baby! It was such an uncomfortable and alien experience for me that I didn’t go back.

Now that Liam is in school, Play Group is no longer an option, but the school pick up does provide a wonderful opportunity to mingle. Ironically, it appears that each parent in my son’s class is exactly the same as me. Not in a gamer sense, but in the introverted and shy sense. Aside from a few parents who already know each other outside of school, the rest of us just kinda stand around and awkwardly smile at each other should we accidentally make eye contact. If I was drunk I could totally start a conversation! But that would be terribly irresponsible, so instead I’ve just timed the pick up so perfectly that it involves little to no waiting around.

I really am my own worst enemy when it comes to making friends!

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Things That May Actually Work

I am trying to get into the routine of taking Liam to public places at the same day and time. Humans are creatures of habit, and if I stick to it long enough, perhaps I will see the same people on a regular basis and it won’t be so weird to greet them warmly when I see them next. This is a plan I can get behind. It gets both Liam and I out of the house and it’s a lot more natural than the really forced interactions that I seem to have at school or any other organised event for parents.

I have also been thinking about joining a sporting club or maybe taking a few knitting classes. While those two are also organised events, the focus isn’t on what the kids are doing, but rather what I myself am doing. One can assume that others who participate in a knitting course may also like knitting. Yay! Common ground! It may take me 40 years to get the courage to say hello to someone, but at least I would be learning something that I enjoy. I’m just not sure it’s worth it yet, when I would have to quit once Disconcur goes back on shift, but here’s no harm in signing up for a few workshops here and there, I suppose.

Being the internet fiend I am, I have also started participating a bit more in local Facebook groups (Yes, I caved to family pressure and reactivated Facebook. Don’t judge me!). While I have personally steered clear of any parenting specific groups this time around, they have helped me meet some lovely people in the past. Not only do I have more of an idea of what events are happening around town, but I’m also getting a feel for what many of participants are like. Perhaps one day I may bump into one of them at the supermarket and we can laugh together about the latest whinge that people are having? A girl can dream :)

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My son is such an outgoing and boisterous little boy, but he is so painfully shy when he first gets to school or day care that you wouldn’t know it!  He is slowly coming out of his shell when he first gets to school, but it’s certainly taken a lot longer than the other children for him to adapt. Even when he wants to play with other kids, he loiters on the outskirts of the group unsure of how to ask if he can join in. It breaks my heart to think that it could be my fault that he is like that.

A friend once said to me that socialising is a skill: don’t do it and you will forget how to. I am certainly no cave troll who communicates in grunts, but I am definitely rusty. My son is learning his social skills directly from me, and that means I have to lift my game. I don’t want anyone in this house growing old alone, myself included.

Did you participate in a parenting or play group? Did that help you feel included, or did you feel awkward and out of place? Share your stories in the comments below.


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